best thing about today?
after buying the encyolopedia of serial killers, going to old navy with grandfather..
who was convinced that if we didn't hide the title of the book, everybody in store was going to think he was a serial killer.
and would yell at me everytime you could see the title.
next time? totally getting a bag.

Ever been cheated on?
not to my knowledge.

Looking forward to anything?
my birthday's monday, 18 is nice number i suppose.

Whose your last missed call from?
ian.

Do guys tend to stare at you?
i mean, yeah.

Whose 1st on your top?
love of my life.

Whose the 1st guy on your top?
see above.

Are you sleepy?
actually, no.

Are you angry at someone?
not really.

Are you a good friend?
yeah. my time managment is a little lacking though.

What's one thing you need to say to someone but can't?
I'M NOT GOING TO TRY TO MAKE ALL OF YOU HAPPY ANYMORE.
if you want to be MY friend, then you'll make the effort.
I'M TIRED OF PUTTING IN ALL THE WORK.

Do you get along with girls?
sometimes.

Are you ready for tomorrow?
yes, school for 17 fucking hours.

Do you have good grades?
yeah.

Have you ever punched a guy/girl in the face?
uhh, not seriously.

Did your ex think you were prettier than his girlfriend before you?
yes.

How much money is in your wallet?
my debit card, a check for 150 to apply for schools, and like 4 dollars.

When's the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
last night.

Would you ever smile at a stranger?
i do it all the time.

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
yes. everyday.

What exactly are you wearing now?
i look like ian.

How often do you listen to music?
all the time.

Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
jeans.

Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2010?
not really.

Are you a social or antisocial person?
social.

Have the cops ever came to your house?
hahaha yes.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with an D?
yes.

What about a K?
yes. 

Can you drive a stick shift?
nope. i should learn though.

Do you care if people talk badly about you?
i mean, i guess i care alot now, for some random ass reason.

Are you going out of town soon?
nope.

Have you ever told someone you loved them?
yes.

If you could change your eye color would you?
i mean, maybe. i like my eyes though.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
yes.

Is there a girl that you would do absolutely everything for?
honestly? i don't know anymore.
i've given up on trying to make them all happy when i get nothing in return.

Name something you dislike about the day you're having?
homework.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?
my mom.

What are you sitting on right now?
my bed.

Have you ever wanted someone you can't have?
A STEADY INCOME. not having to drive 10 miles to get 20 bucks here and there.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
ian.

Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
ian.

Does anyone hate you?
probably.

Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
nope! :)

Do you like watching scary movies?
yeah.

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
8th grade.

Did you have a dream last night?
yes. it was really weird, my spanish teacher was in it.

Do you know anyone with such a terribly annoying voice that you can't even stand?
yes.

When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
today.

Do you think you'll be married in 5 years?
honestly? yes.

Do you think someone has feelings for you?
uh yes. obviously.

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
not really.

"One of my philosophy professors lectured wildly about love once, yelling: "When you're in love with someone, that person is the lighthouse of your universe." (I scrawled it inside Science and Poetry in pencil—lighthouse of your universe—as if I would ever forget that phrase.) He was a delightful caricature of his position. I could swear he literally tore his hair out while howling at us. He went on, "Nothing means as much without that person." One of the men in the class repeated, incredulous, half-laughing, "So you're saying you can't enjoy, like, a vacation, without someone if you're really in love with them?" "Of course not." the professor replied. "Not completely. You recognize beauty, but beauty means less if they don’t witness it with you. Beauty is less. You see something sublime and your first thought is that they should be there with you. It's not as good without them. They illuminate. They make everything more."

i'm so partied out.
but it's the best weekend i've had a long asss time.
i need new, exciting friends.
for reallll.

even though deep down i know.
that we could never satisfy each other. and we're totally not even close to each other types. (yes, i think your new girlfriend is the sterotypical skanky ass blonde...sorry.)
and that we're both happy. and we're both moved on. (well...as well i possibly can. )
and i know i can do better...(i hate admitting it...but you are kinda...well...a player, i suppose is the best word for it...though i like to forget about this, cause i'm the same way. )


i still sometimes wish we were happy together.





but.


it gets easier, and easier.
and the pictures don't hurt as much.
the songs.....(well...they still do, but it's still easier than it was.)
and i'm honestly happy with another human being.
i don't cry all the time.

i cried today.
i hadn't tried to keep up with you.
i didn't want to know.
but for some reason. i was curious.
seeing that song......the song is so perfect for us, on your profile playlist.
seeing a picture of you kissing her.
it still hits home.
it still hurts.

even if i live to be a 102.

at least i get to prove people right this time...
i still get to prove people wrong...
but it's nice to know some people are on my side.

hey guess what? idgaf.

estoy muy contento.

the most amazing things are found in the places you least expect.

i just wish everything could just be simple, and uncomplicated.
but people tend to make that slightly difficult.
i want nothing more than to make everybody in my life happy.

if only they'd help me out a little.


i'm not a mind reader you know.

going through old livejournal posts, was a very bad idea.

god, i was so ignorantly happy with nick.
that's all i've been thinking about today.
because of the texting thing, & his model un bulllllfuckingshit.
you know how when you tell a story..and then you feel like it was so real. and just like it was yesterday, and nothings changed?
it's weird.
god. i hate to admit that i miss nick sometimes.
i think if anybody could have changed me, it was him.
because he's such a dick, but at least he challenged me. and tried to make me a better person.

but i threw it out the window.
for ryan.
somedays i regret it.  i wish i could have see the outcome if i wouldn't have broken up with nick.

but ryan.
ryan is something else.
i don't need to go into detail. i would be here for hours upon hours.
i would give anything in the world to be with ryan.
i loved nick, i'll admit that.
but i am, and will always be in love with ryan.
it's that awful first love bullshit.
i knew it since the moment we left in 07'.
there will never be anybody else.



i feel like harrison deserves better.

somedays, i'd just like to disappear.